Observations and inanities by a second-shift assistant supervisor in the Puppy-Grinding division of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy® (our motto: "Sure it's cruel, but think of the jobs!"), your host, Brent Rasmussen.
Brent Rasmussen's blog
I saw this on my buddy Shane's shop wall during our deer hunt, looked it up on the internet, and copied it here. I am not sure who originally wrote this very funny piece, but if someone does know, please contact me and I'll attribute it correctly. Thanks!
Diary of a Deer Hunter
1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.
3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.
4:30 AM: Head for the woods.
6:05 AM: See eight deer.
6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM: CLICK.
6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM: Head back to camp.
9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.
NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.
2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.
2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.
2:45 PM: Rescued.
2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.
3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.
5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.
6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.
6:01 PM: Load gun.
6:02 PM: Fire gun.
6:03 PM: One dead pickup.
6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.
6:07 PM: Fall into fire.
6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.
6:15 PM: Take pickup; leave hunting partners and deer in camp.
6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 PM: Start walking.
6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 PM: Meet bear.
6:36 PM: Take aim.
6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.
6:38 PM: Mess pants.
6:39 PM: Climb tree.
11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.
Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.
Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.
That pest Hank Fox (of www.HankFox.com) has tagged you with another idiot blog meme:
Tell the story of a (non-surgical) scar you have somewhere on your body. Answer and tag three other bloggers.
Hmnn. No surgical scars, and I am remarkably lucky in that I have no big accidental scars either.
The only one I can find that's still visible is a Verizon logo-"V"-shaped scar on my right, middle finger. Years ago my ex-wife and I owned an old hand-me-down microwave oven.
More below the fold...
If you are squeamish about killing things, don't read this. I warned you. Heh.
Here it is, in all it's insane glory...
[owlafaye] Dearly Beloved in Christ
Whenever you see the number 666 it is a warning from God that at that very moment you are very vulnerable to an attack from the devil. Evil lies everywhere for the unwary.
You should immediately stop whatever you are doing and get down on your knees and pray for God's protection. By the way, it is legal to stop and pray wherever you are, don't let heathen mockery or laughter sway you.
I suggest when driving, that you watch license plates a lot closer than normal for the number 666 and combinations of 666 and in this way you will avoid frustrating traffic situations and possibly accidents. The anger and obscenities of other drivers are the devil in disguise and the number 666 in their license plates will help you spot them and avoid them. Don't hesitate, change lanes immediately, God will protect you.
666 is the sign of the devil...the Lord God does not allow him to wander invisible and has devised several methods to remind and caution us that he is present...666 is one of them. Another is if a crow watches you out of the corner of his eye. This has been known throughout history...crows are harbingers of deviltry. I guess you know that black cats are the "familiars" of demons and witches? Kill them whenever you get a chance. Don't worry, there are lots of cats.
If someone looks at you funny and rolls their eyes, this has nothing to do with a personal affront, that person has been having lustful thoughts and has been temporarily invaded by the devil...stop talking to them immediately.
Erections are considered a sign of the devil outside of the matrimonial bed. Cold showers help, also reading Reader's Digest is a known cure. You notice all the Reader's Digests in doctors offices? Take one when you leave, the doctor doesn't mind; that is what they are there for...erections.
Be very wary of bus drivers and streetcar drivers who drive excessively fast and hunch over their steering wheels in an aggressive manner...they are usually possessed and treat you arrogantly. Get off immediately...don't bother with the transfer, just pay a new fare. The transfer contains a message to the next driver. Throw it away.
You have to be careful in this day and age, especially with all this new computer stuff...you can get more information on God's Firewalls and other software designed to protect you from the many demons that I am sure you have noticed, inhabit computers these days. Try http://www.GodHelpMe.com
Be careful...your immortal soul is in danger of being lost forever to the powers of the devil.
I left something out, thank God I remembered. The "pretenders" to Christianity actually worship the Devil in secret...you have heard of "Black Masses" haven't you? We go to church, not to "mass"...you follow my line of thought? (Catholics?)
Good. I want to caution you however. You notice that Catholics have a lot of purple in their garments and tapestries of ceremony and in all their devil worshiping rituals? This is because the substance iodine was introduced into several brands of salt being marketed by direct order of the pope. It is a known cure for a disease that God afflicted Catholics with for not abiding by his dictates. Only Catholics get it. Don't buy iodized salt. Rock salt is OK, and "Road salt" by the 100 lb. bags is the cheapest of all. These companies are Christian and have resisted The Pope's efforts and edicts to add iodine. God bless them.
The power of salt has been known throughout the ages and that is why it is so prevalent in Biblical teachings. Salt will ward off the devil.
Carry a can of red spray paint and if you can do so, spray the number 666 on any Catholic property so that good Christians will be warned that they are in the presence of Devil worshipers.
Don't forget, iodine and purple are the potions and elixirs of color in the Devil's curses and ceremonies.
Incredible. I've been to this exact spot and that canal is wide. Wow.
This seems like an extremely powerful tool to run a dang blog. Heh.
Test test test test.
[link] Oh, tis a black and stormy night here at DarkSyde Manor! A Tropical Gothic Eve courtesy of Atlantic Winds and Coriolis forces befitting the virtual name I give my home. And while I'm tired and my eyes grow heavy, there will be little sleep for me tonight. Forgive me then, and hopefully no one will mind if I do a little reminiscing off topic, inspired by Brent's 'Lock-in" narrative. As I'm stuck inside here in Florida and can think of nothing significant to write; while listening anxiously to the outer winds and rains of far off Dennis howl and blast against the storm shutters protecting the windows.