Humor

Jim Downey's picture

You better watch out,*

You better watch out,
You better all cry,
You better all pout,
AFA is telling you why:
The evil gays are coming to town.

AFA's making a list,
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out
Who's naughty and nice.
The evil gays are coming to town.

They'll get you when you're sleeping.
Or even when you're awake.
Evil gays are bad, not good,
So be good for God's own sake!

You better watch out,
You better all cry,
You better all pout,
AFA is telling you why:
The evil gays are coming to town.
The evil gays are coming to town!

Jim Downey

Scott Mange's picture

One for the Win Column

I have some good news to report. As you may or may not know, I'm a member of the Abimelech Society. You can read more about them here. We are dedicated to the legal removal of religious materials from the public sphere. In other words, if someone offers us a tract, we ask how many we can have, take them all and then round-file them. Those Gideon bibles at hotels; gone! Prayer meeting announcements on the grocery store pin-board; removed. Etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum because it always comes back.

Until yesterday......

Jim Downey's picture

Confession Time: "Nothing beats a good fart joke" edition.

Ancient Greeks pre-empted Dead Parrot sketch

For those who believe the ancient Greeks thought of everything first, proof has been found in a 4th century AD joke book featuring an ancestor of Monty Python's Dead Parrot sketch where a man returns a parrot to a shop, complaining it is dead.

The 1,600-year-old work entitled "Philogelos: The Laugh Addict," one of the world's oldest joke books, features a joke in which a man complains that a slave he has just bought has died, its publisher said Friday.

"By the gods," answers the slave's seller, "when he was with me, he never did any such thing!"

In a British comedy act Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch, first aired in 1969 and regularly voted one of the funniest ever, the pet-shop owner says the parrot, a "Norwegian Blue," is not dead, just "resting" or "pining for the fjords."

The English-language book will appeal to those who swear that the old jokes are the best ones. Many of its 265 gags will seem strikingly familiar, suggesting that sex, dimwits, nagging wives and flatulence have raised laughs for centuries.

Jim Downey's picture

The Bastard Fairies - "We're All Going to Hell"

Even PZ makes an appearance!

Jim Downey's picture

"MedTech, another biobeer, please."

Ah, gotta love the advancement of science - soon, you'll be able to drink beer with the legitimate claim that you are doing it for your health:

Anti-cancer beer under development

NEW YORK: American students have designed a genetically modified yeast that can ferment beer and produces the chemical resveratrol, known to offer some protection against developing cancer.

* * *

The idea for the healthier beer, dubbed 'Biobeer', started out as a joke. "You could say that the inspiration for the project came from a student who really enjoys his beer," said Thomas Segall-Shapiro, a member of the team behind the project.

And from USA Today:

Students are working to modify the yeast with two sets of genes, including one that will allow the yeast to metabolize sugars and produce an intermediate chemical. The second set will convert that chemical to resveratrol.

Brent Rasmussen's picture

Say Hebbo To Tarvuism!

I learned to speak to an octopus!



Say Hebbo! from Torvakian on Vimeo.

Jim Downey's picture

Sarah Palin Eyes.

*to the tune of Betty Davis Eyes. Apologies to Kim Carnes.

***********************************

She's in Reagan's mold
McCain's big surprise
She won't be undersold
She's got Sarah Palin eyes

She'll turn her bullshit on you
You won't get to think twice
She's the Right Wing show
She's got Sarah Palin eyes

Jim Downey's picture

Fox News: Palin didn't know Africa was a continent.

Man, and I thought my opinion of Gov. Palin couldn't get lower:


Less than 24 hours after the election is over, and this stuff is starting to come out already. Someone has the long knives out for Sarah.

Jim Downey

(Via dKos.)

Jim Downey's picture

"The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum."

That quote from Havelock Ellis somewhat captures my mood this morning. The Onion's take on the election results captures another aspect of how I feel: we had to see things descend to the point where we were ready to make a significant change.

I am too old, too cynical, (and this morning too hungover), to think that the election of Barack Obama means that everything is going to be perfect in the coming months and years. Nor do I believe that our politicians will be able to completely resist the urge to return to type and put their own power above the needs of the nation. The mindset of "screw the other guy" is just too entrenched.

Jim Downey's picture

But he's a Man of God!!

Well, talk about 'the opiate of the masses' . . .

Preacher is charged in heroin operation

Fayetteville police were told the man known as Preacher didn’t sell heroin on Sundays, at least not until church was over.

Preacher was tied up conducting worship services at the church where he was pastor, Burning Bush Missionary Baptist, according to a search warrant affidavit filed Wednesday in the Clerk of Court’s Office.

Robert McQueen, the man known as Preacher and the owner of McQ Bail Bonds on Market Square, was the main player in a heroin operation that was busted Tuesday night, police said.

Jim Downey

Jim Downey's picture

More of "People with more money than sense."

Wow - wrap your head around this:

Does This Song Match My Sofa?

Music can alter a space as much as lighting, fabrics and artwork, but until recently, most people relied on their own judgment when it came to sound. Now, though, an increasing number are hiring personal music stylists to pick out tunes for their homes just as they might hire an interior decorator to select furnishings.

* * *

Though they consider clients’ musical preferences, stylists said they are paid to be the final arbiters of what songs work in a space. “When clients hire me, they are buying into the Coleman brand of taste,” Mr. Feltes said. Stylists typically charge between $50 and $250 per hour of music, which they usually download onto iPods but which can also be delivered on CDs.

* * *

“When someone walks in and hears great music, it’s like looking at a wonderful painting on the wall that gives you certain emotions,” said Mr. Wagner, who gets his playlists updated quarterly. “I love that I don’t have to think about what to put on. It’s already done for me.”

Jim Downey's picture

"Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

Hey everyone!

Back from Patagonia - worn out from travel, with an annoying cold, and lots to catch up with here at home. But I saw something about this on the BBC while away, and found it online to share:

The atheist bus campaign launches today thanks to Comment is free readers. Because of your enthusiastic response to the idea of a reassuring God-free advert being used to counter religious advertising, the slogan "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life" could now become an ad campaign on London buses – and leading secularists have jumped on board to help us raise the money.

The British Humanist Association will be administering all donations to the campaign, and Professor Richard Dawkins, bestselling author of The God Delusion, has generously agreed to match all contributions up to a maximum of £5,500, giving us a total of £11,000 if we raise the full amount. This will be enough to fund two sets of atheist adverts on 30 London buses for four weeks.

BrainArmor's picture

The Lolcat Bible

My daughter just sent me a link to the Lolcat Bible. This is a substantial literary endeavor to translate the entire bible into Lolspeak.

Here are the first three verses of Genesis.

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!

The bible makes a lot more sense this way.

Jim Downey's picture

Travels with the Archdruid.

So, tomorrow I go on my first vacation in almost three years. Sorry folks, but I'll be off-line from about 9:00 AM until sometime on the 28th.

It's a weird trip - to Patagonia with the North American Welsh Choir (my wife is a member of the choir, and one of the organizers for this tour). In one of those odd little twists of history, there was a large Welsh settlement in southern Argentina in the 19th century - and they have managed to maintain enough of their Welsh heritage that they have Welsh speakers and an annual festival that is their version of the Eisteddfod. The NAWC will be performing several times - I'm just going along for the ride. Never been to Patagonia, thought "what the hell."

Jim Downey's picture

Wakey - wakey . . .

Remember, cats have no god. They used be worshipped by the Egyptians, and as far as they're concerned, that was a Right Fine Idea.


Via MeFi, where there are also some good comments.

Just a little fun for Sunday morning . . .

Jim Downey

Jim Downey's picture

Hey Sarah Palin

An old friend sent me a link to a video the other day. I've been busy enough getting ready to go on vacation next week that I hadn't taken the time to sit and watch it.

I wish I had - it's hilarious. Obscene, ranting (in a musical sort of way), but very funny. Well, it is to me, anyway, though if you're a fan of Sarah Palin I imagine that it will make your head explode.

After the jump:

Brent Rasmussen's picture

Sinners At The Hand Of An Angry God In Wonder Sauna Hot Pants

Sorry that I haven't been around much lately, but can you blame me? I got a couple of pairs of these babies at the flea market last weekend, and Mrs. Inscrutable and I have been stylin' around town ever since. And I've lost 5 lbs!

(Click to embiggen.)

Jim Downey's picture

"That's what's wrong with America!"

What?

Men not following the Biblical instruction to stand while pissing.

No, I am not kidding:

Jim Downey's picture

You, too (or your SO), can be uncut!

Whatsamatter, kid? That ol' nasty Christian religion take away your foreskin? Thinking that you've been missing out on something? That your boy parts have become desensitized and worn a little rough around the edges from the trials of day-to-day living?

Well, cheer up, me lad, there's now hope for the likes of you: An Artificial Foreskin!

Jim Downey's picture

Never underestimate the stupidity of a bureaucracy.

Couple of weeks ago I got my notice from the state that it was time to renew my CCW permit. The whole process was fairly straight forward: go to the sheriff's office, hand over my driver's license and other ID, have them renew the paperwork on their end (checking to make sure I hadn't done anything which would warrant losing my permit); then over to the Driver's License center for a new ID.

I use a non-driver's ID for my CCW permit. It costs me an extra couple of bucks to have a separate ID, but that way if I have to hand over my DL to someone, they don't know that I have a permit to carry. It's not an issue for the police, should I get pulled over or something, since the CCW info is tied into the driver's license database. And this way, I always have a second photo ID.

So, I got to the Driver's License center. Light crowd, and it only took me a minute to get to a clerk. Who took my paperwork, pulled up the info on her computer, and said that since none of my information had changed, the simple thing to do was just to issue a renewal with the updated CCW expiration date. Cool.

Then she asked if I had a birth certificate or passport.

Syndicate content