The REAL Ten Commandments

No More Mr. Nice Guy's picture

From North Pole to the swamps of the Deep South, the mouth-foaming neanderthals of the extreme fundamentalist right are still trying to force their sectarian shibboleths into every public and tax-supported space in the land. Typically, they are using dishonest arguments to do so, bleating smarmily about the historical nature of the displays, and denying their blatantly obvious intent: to promote their religion on the taxpayer's dime.

The situation is rich in irony. First of all, many of the ten commandments monuments which litter the landscape were installed in the 50's by Cecil B. De Mille, as a publicity stunt to promote his movie. Secondly, those bible thumpers don't even know their bible. They've got the wrong set of ten commandments!

If you read the book of Genesis, it turns out that there are at least three different sets of commandments, but there's only one set that the buybull itself refers to as "the" ten commandments. So, for the benefit of our fundy friends, here are the REAL ten commandments.

  1. Ye shall destroy their(*) altars, break their images, and cut down their
  2. For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice; And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons,and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.
  3. Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
  4. The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt.
  5. All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male. But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem
    him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty.
  6. Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest. And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest,
    and the feast of ingathering at the year's end.
  7. Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the LORD God, the God of Israel. For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the LORD thy God thrice in the year.
  8. Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning.
  9. The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God.
  10. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.

(* The Amorites, the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites)

Now we see why this country is full of moral decay. It's all those goddam liberal heathens seething a kid in its mother's milk! Quick, amend the Constitution!

But here's a question for James Dobson and company: when's the last time thou observest the feast of weeks? Or did that firstling of an ass thing. Methinks thy immortal soul is in danger of hellfire!

We've got to get the real ten commandments into every courthouse in the country. Get rid of those pussified liberal commandments ("thou shalt not kill" - whaddarya, a gun grabber?) and bring back the true, red-blooded commandments the way Gawd intended them.

Think of the kids!

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