Observations and inanities by a second-shift assistant supervisor in the Puppy-Grinding division of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy® (our motto: "Sure it's cruel, but think of the jobs!"), your host, Brent Rasmussen.
"When does this plane land?"
"When does this plane land?"
"Mom, this is your home. Not an airplane."
"Well, I don't want to lose my glasses. I'll need them."
"I'll make sure you have them."
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
My wife and I have both noticed a lot more "journeying" reference from my MIL in the past few days. From such things as above, to stories of people waiting for her to return, to news that she is going "on a trip".
Yeah, that's probably right.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
There's a phenomenon familiar to those who deal with Alzheimer's. It's called "sundowning". There are a lot of theories about why it happens, my own pet one is that someone with this disease works damned hard all day long to try and make sense of the world around them (which is scrambled to their perceptions and understanding), and by late in the afternoon or early evening, they're just worn out. You know how you feel at the end of a long day at work? Same thing.
So we usually don't worry about it when my MIL gets hit by this. Still, it'll catch you completely off guard if you let it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
We're not yet into our first full week of being back on Hospice. And I think that it didn't come a moment too soon. My MIL is exhibiting more and more of the common signs of an approaching death. Her incontinence (and general body awareness) has gotten a lot worse in recent days. She's shown signs of restlessness at odd times. There are other physiological cues.
But most notably, has been talk of seeing her long-dead parents, and a sense that they are waiting for her to "go on a trip" with them.
I'm an atheist. I also have little belief in any kind of soul or 'life after death'. I try and be completely honest, yet not obnoxious about my beliefs. Yet when the other day my MIL looked at me and said that she was worried about her parents missing her, I told her that they left a message for us to care for her until they came to get her.
"To take me with them?"
"That's right."
"Up to heaven?"
"Yes."
Why did I say this? Because she smiled happily at me when I did.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
I think we're all getting ready. Ready for her to die. And I will be relieved.
No, I'm not being morbid. Or cold. Or selfish. I'm being honest.
Yes, this has been a long and difficult journey, and as I've said, I will be glad to be on the other side of it. I'm deep-bones weary. But that is not really why I will be relieved at her passing.
No, I will be glad to see her freed from the pain. Not just the physical pain she suffers from her various health issues (we do a pretty good job of palliative care, thanks to her doctors and our attentiveness). But rather the pain of confusion, and loss, and fear she suffers due to the dementia. There is only so much we can do to allay that particular pain, and with each passing day it gets a little bit worse, eclipsing her ability to cope while leaving her with a very fundamental fear.
'When does this plane land?' Soon, I hope - soon.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Jim Downey
(Cross posted to my blog.)
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End-Times Atheism
One of the superficial bliss-ninny questions that often seems to come up in any discussion of atheism is "Would you tell your grandmother on her deathbed that there's no god?"
The answer is no, you wouldn't. But you WOULD tell all those little girls who might someday BE grandmothers. So they could live their lives as fully and richly as possible, without the mystical falsehoods and fears that darken the lives of so many.
And therein...
Yeah, and therein lies one of the ways that I really think that people who are caught in the web of deceit which is religion cheat themselves - by focusing so much on gaining happiness and just rewards in the afterlife, they miss creating what happiness they can here, allow injustice to go unchallenged. Too many people live their lives afraid - afraid of what the Big Sky Daddy will do to them if they go against the local Shaman, afraid of the public censure of their co-religionists, afraid of even acknowledging what pleasure and joy can be found in this world. It leads to such pathologies as repressed sexual identities, self-loathing substance abuse, not to mention violence (and even suicidal violence).
I know the Colonel or some other believer will weigh in here and claim that their faith allows them the strength to face their problems, or their mortality, or "temptation". Maybe so, for them. But I seldom have met non-believers so crippled by fear as most believers I've known.
Jim Downey
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Like Science Fiction? Read my novel, Communion of Dreams, for free.
Timid comment
Can't remember who said it -- Spider Robinson? -- but: "To fight gravity, you use levity."
It has to be a common human impulse. I'll bet there are more jokes among the troops on the ground in Iraq than in day-to-day living here in the states.
My friend Carl is in the same boat as you, and I sometimes try to lighten the gravity of the situation with skewed observations on the human condition.
So ...
Bearing all that in mind ...
When she asked what time the plane landed ...
Had you just served her lunch?
Hank...
...it was Mark Twain.
-Col.
Or not.
Sounds like.
Yeah, that sounds like something Spider would say. It was interesting meeting him at the Heinlein thing in July.
No worries about the humor - my own black and twisted sense of what's funny is well known among friends, and leaks out sometimes in my writing. But I try not to mix it up too much with the posts about my MIL, since it would be really easy for people to completely misconstrue what I'm saying.
Jim Downey
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Like Science Fiction? Read my novel, Communion of Dreams, for free.