Satire

Jim Downey's picture

It's a miracle!!

Amazing!!!


Jim Downey

Jim Downey's picture

Don't bogart that billion, my friend.

I think Bloomberg's been had. In a profile piece about Ted Turner, there's these passages:

“If you were around at the time, I gave everybody a hundred thousand dollars if they came up with anything,” Turner said. “I just couldn’t hold onto it. I wanted to keep it moving. I get a dollar, I give it to you, you spend it, somebody else gets it. You know, pass it around. You know, it’s kind of like a joint -- you just pass it around, light it up, you know, share with your friends.”

The former media mogul’s Turner Enterprises owns about 2 million acres in 12 U.S. states and Argentina. More than 50,000 bison roam on parts of his land, according to the company. Some of those bison wind up in burgers and other dishes at Ted’s Montana Grill, a restaurant chain he co-founded in 2002. Ted’s has more than 50 outlets, according to its Web site.

Turner said he has learned to live with less, yet he still bemoans the decline in his net worth.

Jim Downey's picture

Is there something wrong with me . . .

. . . that the news of the death of Michael Jackson has had this song playing in my head all morning?

Jim Downey

Jim Downey's picture

Introducing: Twitcher!

Interesting:

Introducing: Twitcher!

New technology allows for expansion of popular networking site.

In preparation for going public, and to help push their entire social network one step further technologically, the Twitter group has been testing a new application which allows for the direct stimulation of certain portions of the human brain. If users have one of the newer 3G phones now available on the market and download a special software script they will be able to make use of the new service.

BrainArmor's picture

Odin vs. Jesus

Someone forwarded this "motivational poster."

Jim Downey's picture

It's no big deal.

N.S.A.’s Intercepts Exceed Limits Set by Congress

WASHINGTON — The National Security Agency intercepted private e-mail messages and phone calls of Americans in recent months on a scale that went beyond the broad legal limits established by Congress last year, government officials said in recent interviews.

Several intelligence officials, as well as lawyers briefed about the matter, said the N.S.A. had been engaged in “overcollection” of domestic communications of Americans. They described the practice as significant and systemic, although one official said it was believed to have been unintentional.

Jim Downey's picture

Adios.

Well, it's been fun, everyone. But after carefully considering the content of this vid, I have decided that I can no longer continue to write blasphemy nor to deny what my heart tells me: that I am missing a Jesus-shaped piece of myself.

So, adios. I am returning to the faith of my childhood, and even considering becoming a lay-preacher for the true church.

I will pray for all of you.

Jim Downey

Jim Downey's picture

If Atheists Ruled the World

Brilliant.

"If Atheists Ruled the World" -
All text taken directly from online Christian fundamentalist forums. http://www.fstdt.com

Jim Downey

(Via BB.)

Jim Downey's picture

"What if God disappeared?"

Via PZ, another great piece from Ed Current:


Jim Downey

Brent Rasmussen's picture

How To Be An Atheist

  • Hate God by denying Him - and not just any god, but the REAL God of the Christians.
  • Attack Christians by writing about your lack of belief.
  • Have an "atheist blog" and sneak the word "screwing" into the title. (Heh heh.)
  • Purchase attack ads on city buses and billboards that say things like "Don't believe in God? You're not alone. Oh yeah, and Christians suck."
  • Become an initiate into the mysteries of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy by learning the secret handshake, and memorizing the delicious EAC baby back ribs recipe.
  • Call Ray Comfort a moron.
  • Flash your fangs at children walking home from church on Sundays.
  • Laugh at the poor suckers giving stuff up for Lent.
  • Call the Pope "Pope Ratty McRatty-Rat", and his vehicle the "Popemobile".
  • Drink heavily and leer at decent Christian women (and men!)
  • Support gay marriage.
  • Vote Democrat.
  • Think Paula Poundstone is still funny and relevant.
  • Walk under ladders.
  • Kick puppies.
  • Hold midnight atheist mass dressed in atheism robes and read from atheist scriptures whilst burning black-tallow candles and chanting spells to Darwin.
  • Make up an hugely expensive Winter Solstice sign calling religious people a bunch of crazy, brain-damaged morons, then act surprised when people get upset.
  • Let innocent children know your philosophy of destruction even exists.
  • Try to be actual citizens by demanding your *makes quote-unquote gesture with fingers* civil rights.
  • Eat pork - and love it.
  • Dabble in cannibalism.
  • Insist that morality is subjective.
  • Watch porn constantly.
  • Ask your Christian friends if God can make a rock so big even he can't lift it, then sneer superciliously.
  • Grow Snidely Whiplash mustaches, and twirl them malevolently.
  • Wear a black cape and a top hat.
  • Attend City Council meetings, then loudly fart and sing advertising jingles during the prayer. Act surprised when people "Shh!" you.
  • When debating creationists, roll your eyes a lot and sigh.
  • When the full moon comes around, arrange things so that "the change" happens to you right as you're walking through a church.
  • Write best-selling books arguing calmly, convincingly, logically, and soundly against theism.
  • Utterly fail to understand that your logical, convincing, calm, sound, best-selling book on atheism is actually a vicious, nakedly aggressive attack on Christianity and God Himself.
  • Laugh at the sky during a thunderstorm and scream, "Is that all you got?"
  • Make your mother cry by getting her flowers for Mother's Day, and including a card that says "Happy Mother's day mom! I love you! -Your Favorite Child (P.S, I forgot to also mention that I am a dirty, puppy-grinding atheist and I will be burning eternally in a lake of hellfire while you are forever happy, and playing a harp in heaven.)"
  • Freak out when you find a Gideon's Bible in the drawer at your hotel. Call the manager and complain about him forcing his religion down your throat.
  • When a popular religious celebrity dies, dust off your hands and say "Good riddance!"
  • Two words: anal sex.
  • Eat shellfish.
  • Wax your dolphin - at the supermarket.
  • Take nice Christian girls out for a date on your own private island in the Pacific, then give them a 30-minute head start before you hunt them down with your high-powered rifle and scope. Wear camo for the full effect, and make sure that the young woman's tank-top is artfully torn with a black smudge on her shoulder or cheekbone.
  • Hold the world hostage from your secret evil lair, and demand a 1-meeelion dollar ransom to keep the atom bomb you built from going off in an undisclosed city.
  • Join a pro-life protest at abortion clinics with a sign that reads, "Babies - The Other White Meat"
  • Laugh maniacally.
  • Be a happy person, seem to enjoy your life and your family - but then never go to church, confusing your good Christian neighbors, and getting yourself talked about something fierce at the homeowner's association meetings, you betcha.
  • Put a Darwin Fish on your car, then complain when people break it, steal it, and key your paintjob.
  • Say things like, "I was an atheist until I realized that I AM god! Har har har!"
  • When winning an Emmy Award, hold the award up and say "Suck it Jesus! This award is my god now!"
  • Wear mixed fabrics.
  • Secretly wear your yarmaluke inside-out at synagogue.
  • Watch "House" and laugh at all his zany, Vicodin-popping atheist antics.
  • Accuse P.Z. Myers of being "soft on religion".
  • Make up a mythical god-thing - like a floating pasta dragon or something (back off, Henderson!) - and use it every time you argue with a Christian to show them how laughably stupid they really are.

Got any more? Add them in the comments! :)

Jim Downey's picture

Makes as much sense . . .

. . . as any other version of prayer, actually: Chat With God Online.

If you get a good response, post it.

Jim Downey

Jim Downey's picture

Only good can come of this.

News item you may have heard:

Will the Voice of Bart Simpson Get In Trouble for 'Unauthorized' Scientology Call?

wentieth Century Fox television would not comment on whether Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart on "The Simpsons," will face disciplinary action following her voice message urging Scientologists, in Bart's voice, to attend an upcoming conference.

But "Simpsons" executive producer Al Jean makes clear that the show does not back Cartwright's call.

"This is not authorized by us," Jean said in a statement. "'The Simpsons' does not, and never has, endorsed any religion, philosophy or system of beliefs any more profound than Butterfinger bars."

The way I see it, only good can come from this. One of several things will happen:
* Cartwright will get fired or have to apologize and repudiate using the 'Bart' voice.
* The Simpsons will suffer, losing more viewers, and maybe get canceled (it's been around for what, like 213 years?)
* Scientology will get more exposure for being the nutsoid religion that it is.

Works for me.

Jim Downey

Brent Rasmussen's picture

The Strawman Cometh

Sam Eldridge, a good-old boy blogger for the McCook Daily Gazette of McCook, Nebraska, ably demonstrates many of the strawman misconceptions held by Joe Sixpacks all across this nation.

[link] I don't believe in atheists. There is no credible scientific evidence that any atheist actually exist. I know there are people out there who claim that they do not believe in God, but the evidence says differently. They are really anti-God.

It is like the old 10cc song, "I'm Not In Love." Their constant denials only prove that deep down inside them, they know that God exist. You think that today's so called atheists are the first to shake their fists in the face of a Holy God? Hardly.

Look at the feeble arguments these alleged atheists come up with to explain life and Creation, I mean really, the Big Bang and Darwinism? Even ole Darwin himself admitted his goofy "theory" had gaping holes in it. I can almost hear Darwin saying, "you guys really believed this stuff?"

These folks tells their kids that their Grandpa was a monkey, and they are suppose to be the enlightened ones? Ha! You have to laugh.

You'll have to follow the link and read the whole thing. It is mind-numbingly idiotic.

I used to get all fired up and attempt to correct misconceptions like this, but I have come to the inescapable conclusion that this is akin to trying to bail out an sinking aircraft carrier with a teaspoon.

You know what? Most Americans are comfortably ignorant. They don't fucking care about the truth, or about being corrected in their misconceptions. They would rather guffaw, point and laugh and the "libruls", and get their holy dander up over the nasty, baby-eating, puppy-grinding atheists. In the minds of nearly all of middle Christian America, atheists are the new bogeymen - stalking across the landscape, demanding that all references to God (which we really believe in, but hate), anywhere are banned because they offend us. We diabolically FORCE good, God-fearing Christians to accept the satanic humanist secular Constitution - and there is nothing - NOTHING I tell you! - that they can do about it.

Because after all, they are only the poor, persecuted, helpless majority. Obviously atheists are in charge of everything important in this country. The schools, the state and federal legislatures. All politicians are atheists. All sports figures are atheists. Policemen and soldiers? Atheists.

These anti-God people know, INSIDE, Who is real and who is not real.

They should just give up now before we get really mad and start throwing lightning bolts around or something. *sigh*

Brent Rasmussen's picture

How The Cookie Crumbles

Long story short: Three sixth-graders eat cookies on the schoolbus and get crumbs everywhere. The bus driver then pulls a knife, and threatens to slit their wrists if they don't clean up the mess.

Sounds perfectly appropriate to me. I mean, that is exactly what any rational adult person would do in that situation, yes? Lord knows that sixth-grade girls can be viciously violent when confronted with cleaning up cookie crumbs. If it were me, I would have waterboarded the little terrorists.

Brent Rasmussen's picture

Say Hebbo To Tarvuism!

I learned to speak to an octopus!



Say Hebbo! from Torvakian on Vimeo.

Jim Downey's picture

Sarah Palin Eyes.

*to the tune of Betty Davis Eyes. Apologies to Kim Carnes.

***********************************

She's in Reagan's mold
McCain's big surprise
She won't be undersold
She's got Sarah Palin eyes

She'll turn her bullshit on you
You won't get to think twice
She's the Right Wing show
She's got Sarah Palin eyes

Brent Rasmussen's picture

President Palin's Acceptance Speech

Incredibly frightening satire from Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez over at AlterNet:

[link] So what else won’t change with me? I’ll tell ya. Freedom of religion won’t change either. You won’t find me settin’ restrictions on religion. It’s just gonna be a matter of learnin’ t’think about things a little different is all. We all know that there is really only one true religion and that’s why as governor of Alaska I made sure to add a Christian heritage holiday but did you see me do that for any of those other satan cults? No you did not and that’s because I know the difference, as a good a positive American, between religion and plain old superstition and crazy talk.

So you guys, I’m super happy to tell you today that you are finally free to be religious and that’s exactly what the founding fathers wanted when they wrote the USS Constitution out there in Pearl Harbor that time with the pilgrims and the Indians because they were Christians like me even if the liberals keep insisting they were Deists which also, is total crazy talk because there’s no such thing and never was as someone who believes in nature as God because God knows just like I know that nature is nothing more than his gift to us so that we can go huntin’ and drillin’ and drive around on ATVs. So you are free to pick the Christian church you wanna go to! Isn’t that awesome? There’s so many to choose from, it’s like when you go into the Target and you can’t decide which kind of disposable diaper to get. I’m all about choices.

For the first time in a long time we are on the brink of a political situation that could very easily become a death blow to this great American experiment of ours.

"When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag, carrying a cross ." - Sinclair Lewis

Heinlein nailed it more than 50 years ago in the postscript to his "2nd American Revolution" collection called "Revolt In 2100", but apparently we didn't pay attention:

[R.A.H.] "As for the second notion, the idea that we could lose our freedom by succumbing to a wave of religious hysteria, I am sorry to say that I consider it possible. I hope that it is not probable. But there is a latent deep strain of religious fanaticism in this, our culture. It is rooted in our history and has broken out many times in the past. It is with us now; there has been a sharp rise in strongly evangelical sects in the country in recent years, some of which hold beliefs theocratic in the extreme, anti- intellectual, anti-scientific, and anti-libertarian."

"It is a truism that almost any sect, cult or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so. . . . The custodians of the True Faith cannot logically admit tolerance of heresy to be a virtue."

". . . Could any one sect obtain a working majority at the polls and take over the country? Perhaps not -- but a combination of the dynamic evangelist, television, enough money, and modern techniques of advertising and propaganda might make Billy Sunday's efforts look like a corner store compared to Sears Roebuck. Throw in a depression for good measure, promise a material heaven here on earth, add a dash of anti-Semitism, anti-Catholicism, Anti-Negroism, and a good large dose of anti- furriners' in general and anti-intellectuals here at home and the result might be something quite frightening -- particularly when one recalls that our voting system is such that a minority distributed as pluralities in enough states can constitute a working majority in Washington."

". . . Impossible? Remember the Klan in the Twenties and how far it got without even a dynamic leader. . . The capacity of the human mind for swallowing nonsense and spewing it forth in violent and repressive action has never yet been plumbed."

Dang. I just got a little chill down my back there.

Jim Downey's picture

Awaiting Your Correspondance - Important Business Matter

Via Marketplace, this item:

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

Jim Downey's picture

Sarah's blog.

OK, I just spent too much of my Sunday morning catching up on "Welcome to the PalinDrome: Sarah Palin's Blog". Yeah, I know, I shoulda been at church instead. But seriously, this is pretty funny. Here's an excerpt from the post Banning Books:

Brent Rasmussen's picture

Jesus Christ, Action Hero

It's a graphic novel with all the right elements: A pissed-off, cigar-smoking Jesus Christ, gay angels, evil Nazis, fecal incontinence, a fat, time-traveling, machine-gun-toting Ernest Hemingway as a sidekick, and an absentee father-God - who just happens to look like Marlon Brando playing Jor-EL.

Check out the graphic novel "Jesus Christ - In The Name Of The Gun". Fun, fun, fun.

I loves me the sweet, sweet intertubes. :) Kudos to Ethan Nicolle and Eric Peterson of Bad Karma Productions!

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