Observations and inanities by a second-shift assistant supervisor in the Puppy-Grinding division of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy® (our motto: "Sure it's cruel, but think of the jobs!"), your host, Brent Rasmussen.
Seeing as we're mostly atheists and agnostics around here I thought it might be useful to post this Prayer for Beginners link, you know, just in case.
|For Immediate Release
April 28, 2008
FBI National Press Office
We at the FBI would like to thank Miley Cyrus, Vanity Fair and the internet for their help in executing the largest pedophile sting operation in the history of the world. So far we have caught 24.5 million pedophiles in America alone. The total number worldwide is well over 100 million.
Update: D'oh! The Manka Bros punked me with this one. Nicely done satire!
Dammit. I missed the obvious "white Christian teen rapper" angle when I was looking for my multi-million dollar record deal.
I strongly encourage all you pagan atheists to have a stiff drink before watching this delightfully insane video. (I'm 100% serious here. Have a drink of something before clicking the Play button. Make sure you swallow first.)
And yes, I am well aware that more exposure for this tweener singing/rapping dynamic duo means that they will probably sell more records - and I am perfectly OK with that. More power to 'em. Fleece the sheep for all they can bear, seems to be their father/producer/manager's motto. It's a textbook lesson in exactly how one can indeed worship God and mammon, contrary to what their holy book says.
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.
Gen.JC Christian, patriot, is on the job for Mike Huckabee:
The Mike Huckabee Center for the Liberation and Housing of Spermatazoan-Americans Opens
January 20, 2008 is a day that will live forever in the hearts of Americans, for it is the day the Mile Huckabee Center for the Liberation and Housing of Spermatazoan-Americans opened it's doors for the first time in the Pini Region of Second Life, http://slurl.com/secondlife/Pini/91/19.
Can someone please explain to me why Christians quote the bible as if it is an argument ending trump card?
This past Sunday I was out taking my dog for a walk in my complex. I know most of the friendly people with dogs because I've lived here for a year. My dog loves to socialize so she heads directly for anyone else with a dog. Of course, I could stop her, but I enjoy meeting new people as well. To make a long story short, Samantha and I ran into a new guy about my age(37) who was walking his dog.
I made sure it was okay for us to approach and he gave permission. His dog was very friendly and happy to meet us. The guy seemed nice at first also. After a bit of small talk he explained to me that he had just gotten out of church and was feeling "full of the Lord" as he put it. I said, "oh that's nice" and tried changing subjects by asking if he was excited about the Giants game that afternoon. The guy completely ignored my question and asked me what church I went to.
As the year winds down, and you need a little relaxing fun to kill some time this weekend, you can play dress - up with Jesus and Muhammad! Both are from the somewhat twisted mind of Normal Bob Smith, who seems like he would fit right in here with us other heathens at UTI.
(Via the comments on this post at ectoplasmosis. Which is just disturbing. I didn't even know there were people who have a 'stigmata fetish'. Let alone that there are inflatable dolls of Jesus that cater to them.)
"How's it going?"
"I'm almost done," answered my wife, from the step ladder. She had been out on the front porch, hanging the 'icicle' lights she likes around the perimeter of the roof. "But this one section of lights just won't work!"
"Bulb out?" I offered, looking at the dark 18" section.
"Yeah, maybe. I tried fussing with the bulbs to see if one was loose." She got down from the step ladder, looked back at her handywork. "Oh well, too many to try and figure out which one."
"Well, this string is a couple of years old. These things were what, all of $5.19 or some such? Can't expect them to last."
"Yeah, I suppose. We'll get new ones next year. I am not taking these down and putting up a different set just because that one little bit is dark."
"Fine with me. Let's go in - dinner's almost ready."
We folded up the ladder, grabbed the box for the lights and went inside. It was ten days before Christmas. Because of other things going on here, we've been a bit slow with all our holiday decorations and shopping stuff this year.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
I can't help feeling that these pictures will somehow turn into "proof" in some nightmare fundamentalist post-apocalyptic religious world following the collapse of secular civilization.
This guy is great! Although without much bling, a gat or treating women like whores, he probably won't sell a million cd's. Oh well, I liked it.
A Rational Response - Greydon Square
And if you want to purchase his album, it's only $12 at his website TheComptonEffect.
About Project Pterosaur
The goal of Project Pterosaur is to mount an expedition to locate and bring back to the United States living specimens of pterosaurs or their fertile eggs, which will be displayed in a Pterosaur Rookery that will be the center piece of the planned Fellowship Creation Science Museum and Research Institute (FCSMRI). Furthermore, the rookery facility will establish a breeding colony of pterosaurs in order to produce specimens that could then be put on display by other regional institutions or church groups.
By doing all this, we hope to accomplish three goals:
1. Support Creation Theory by showing the incorrectness of the philosophy of Evolutionism.
2. Educate the population about Creation Science.
3. Create excitement about Creation and the Bible in the public.
Absolutely brilliant satire. Here's another taste:
From: The White House
Subject: Riding a Dead Horse
The president is in receipt of the following short memo, signed by two dozen current and recently-retired military leaders.
“When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”
— Dakota Indian Saying
The president would like you all to know it is his belief that this type of defeatist thinking endangers all Americans, and he will institute the following policies to indicate his determination to stay the course in Iraq, as well as in numerous other controversies that have surrounded this presidency. (Continued)
Via the Slog, comes word of how 400 Tons of pressure can solve your little corpse problem:
Welcome to Compacted Dignity, the markets best alternative for departed loved ones, who can not be cremated.
If your loved one was Catholic, or one of a great number of other strict religions that prohibit cremation, you are undoubtedly faced with a number of difficult decisions in the realm of good planning and putting to rest the remains of the departed.
An unfortunate reality of this difficult time is the substantial expense associated with ones passing which can include the cost of a casket, burial plot, funeral services, not to mention the upkeep. For most people, it would be ideal and the most considerate option for you, if you could cremate the individual, but as a people of faith, no matter how silly your religion might seem to others, you simply can't incinerate your beloved.
Vastleft from God Is For Suckers details a typical day in the life of an atheist.
[Vastleft] An elderly woman was getting into a taxi I wanted, so I kicked the walker out from under her and stepped on her head as I hopped into the cab. When you’re carrying a satchel-full of kidnapped infants to feed to your pit bull, time is of the essence.
Read the rest. You'll be flabbergasted at the shocking truth he discovers at the end of his post!
Why weren't we told!?!
(Heheh... Many, many kudos for this one Vastleft. Excellent.)
Giving Landover Baptist a run for their money! Baptists For Brownback 2008!
[link] Today, in an America filled with adulterers and baby-killers, an even worse sinner casts a shadow over them all—the atheist. Yet atheists are difficult to spot. They hide their sinister cult behind masks of smiles, science and soft, pleasant voices. Your next door neighbor might be an atheist. You just can’t tell.
Imagine if it was simple to identify atheists and their tainted works. Would it not be grand? Think how much easier it would be to protect your children’s eyes, ears and souls from atheists’ influences if their websites, books, movies and yes, even their very clothes, were clearly labeled with a bright scarlet “A”.
Curses! Those godly folks have somehow conspired to place one of those scarlet "A"s on UTI as well! Now if I can only keep UTI from being listed on their Hellbound list... **shakes fist**
That, and many other practical questions about creating and maintaining your own religious cult are answered by 'Dr. Emeril Lazarus' at Start Your Own Cult, a great new resource for all wanna-be Shamen:
The time is right, and the time is now! The Lord has spoken to you. He has commanded you to create the New Jerusalem, to prepare for His arrival, to gather the flock, bring together the faithful, spread the Word. Blinded like Paul on his way to Damascus, you are now set to follow His Way.
But how do you start such an ambitious project? How can you convince the unwashed masses that you are not just another crank? What kind of political structure do you set up for your Heaven On Earth? How do you deal with challenges to your authority--authority you received directly from On High?
Warning! Warning! This is a class 1 EAC Alert!
Our prison-fellowshipping arch-nemesis Chuck Colson, former Nixon white house advisor, Watergate conspirator, and born-again Christian with a direct psychic line to the Big Guy in heaven, has warned the Southern Baptist Convention about our Evil Atheist Conspiracy to destroy Christianity!
[link] Watergate figure Chuck Colson warned a gathering of Southern Baptist pastors Sunday night against ... a new, militant atheism growing in popularity in the West.
Crap! How the heck did he figure it out? Curse you Chuck Colson! *shakes fist*
[link] The ... threat, Colson said, was evident in the popularity of several best-selling books espousing atheism by Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris and others.
"This is a virulent strain of atheism which seeks to destroy our belief system," Colson said.
Egads. This is worse than I thought. I told Harris and Dawkins this would happen at our last meeting, the fools! He even knows that atheism is a virus instead of a lack of god-belief, like we've been claiming. Dammit! We tried so hard to conceal that too! Now it's just a matter of time before the hard-working Christian scientists fire up their God-approved science labs and concoct a vaccine to combat the atheism virus.
I am afraid we'll have to use the neuralizer on a huge segment of the world's population again, EAC members. We'll also have to frame Colson again - something big this time, like making him personally responsible for the Bird Flu or something.
It's gonna be a long week. Not that most of you will remember it. That's it... Look at the little red light... ***flash***
Happy St. Paddy's Day, one and all! Of course, this is one more example of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy at work, subtly corrupting the Catholic Church through the secularization of a Holy Feast Day, even involving known homosexuals and non-Christians in the huge Dublin parade celebrating the day.
Have you ever wanted to be like Thomas Jefferson and have your own version of the Bible? Have you ever considered that the 10 Commandments could really use a little updating? Have you thought that a whole lotta problems with the religious/scientific debate over evolution could be solved with a bit of editing of Genesis?
Then boy, do I have the website for you: WikiWrit - the holy book that anyone can edit!
Q: What is this?
A: WikiWrit is either a massive social experiment, a sincere and honest way for a believer to express his feelings toward the main figure of his religion, a great blasphemy for which the creator of this Wiki will either burn in Hell or be killed or both, or a straight-up satire of the infallibility of scripture.
Go forth and be amused.